The edge of innocence
by nish0
Summary: It's her wedding day today. She's finally becoming Mrs Matthew Taylor. But why is she sitting there scribbling on an old pink diary. She needs closure, even if it is a fictional one. Will Jackson of ever realize what she truly wants? Even if he does it's too late. But anything can happen when in her fantasy. But in the end, it's the reality that wins.


**The edge of innocence**

She opened her eyes. Today's the day.

Today is her wedding day. She huffed out an imaginary cloud of stress in the air and she sat up. After the last few week's chaos and frenzy with the organization and making sure everything is as it is planned, she was suddenly calm as stale water this morning.

Today she's going to be Matthew's wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and health and everything else that is in between.

The dress fitted her perfectly, and her hair was perfectly done. The veil was perfectly placed with the sparkly pin that glittered ever so perfectly. She was perfect.

There isn't much time left. The bridesmaids were kind enough to let her have some privacy before the ceremony starts.

She looked over at the side of the closet where her white wedding dress was hanging a while ago, next to it is her small study table. She hasn't sat down on it since she stopped living in this house, since she's left for medical school.

It seemed like that was only yesterday. She caressed the table gently and pulled the chair up.

She has to do this. With one yank the bottom drawer opened up and revealed a mess of things. After rummaging through few things she found what she was looking for. A pink bound diary.

Yes, she was one of those few who kept a "diary". And she's now too old to feel ashamed about it.

She opened it up and after turning few pages full of her contemplations of her young years about rights and wrongs, dreams and reality, and Jesus, she found the empty pages that are still waiting to be filled.

Her pen rustled against it again.

…

_April slowly puts on her stunning white dress she had always dreamed about wearing. Weddings are like dreams, like fairy tales where true love still exists. They have always been so perfect, so magical. _

_She didn't need help to pull up the zipper then she carefully let her naked shoulder host her wavy red blonde hair. She is stunning. It was as if she was never an acne ridden, brace-faced bushy haired teenager. _

_She's a swan. Beautiful, magnificent. _

_Her 10 year old inner self chirped happily thinking about how she'll be the belle of the ball this afternoon, everyone's eyes will be one her and her perfectness. _

_And Matthew, he will look at her stunned when she would walk down the aisle towards him. In his eyes she's going to be the only woman. The only woman in the world. _

_And yet. _

_…_

April stopped her pen for a second. Where is she going with this? She sighed and continued.

…

_A series of carpet-muffled footstep stopped in front of her door and she heard a couple of soft knocks. _

_"Come in."_

_Slowly Jackson entered her room, looking as dashing as ever. The look in his eyes changed as soon as they fell on her. She smiled at him sweetly. _

_"You… look beautiful April." He glided across the room and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. _

_She replied. "Thank you Jackson." Her teeth almost showed. "You don't look so bad yourself."_

_He took a step back and asked, "Do you need help with anything?"_

_She thought for a second. "Actually. Can you help me with this pin? I need to place it on my veil but I can't seem to figure out how it works."_

_He laughed. "You're a surgeon and you don't know how to get a pin to work?"_

_"Well, none of my bridesmaids are here yet." she huffed._

_"That is actually why I'm here." Jackson look somewhat troubled. _

_She raised her eyebrows at him. Don't freak out April. _

_"There was an emergency." He looked apologetic, ready to receive whatever she decides to throw._

_"There is always an emergency." She rolled her eyes. She promised not to freak out today. And she's going to keep that promise. _

_She breathed in deeply. Then smiled, "No problem."_

_Jackson looked a little surprised that the predicted freaking out didn't happen. Since when April stayed calm? She's never calm. It is widely known that even when there is nothing to panic about, April will surely find something and jitter around like a squirrel on caffeine. _

_…_

Where the hell is this going? April bit the end of her pen and frowned at the words on front of her. She needs to get to the point quickly.

…

_"Listen Jackson." She turned on her chair to look at him who is sitting on her bed, looking around the room. _

_"I... wanted to…" she hesitated for a second. "I wanted to clear some things up… about us…."_

_Jackson looked awkward suddenly and stood up. "April, there is no us and there is nothing more to clear up."_

_"I'm getting married today." she spoke firmly as if to convince herself of it._

_…_

No. No. No.

April frowned.

What are you doing April? This isn't how this supposed to go. You're supposed to finally find closure and move on.

Clean start.

…

_"Yes April. You are getting married today. To Matthew. There is no talking about us." He sighed and took long stride towards the door. _

_With his hand on the door handle he turned to look at her, "I wish you all the luck April. I want you to be happy, with all my heart."_

_And then he was gone, and she sat there trying remember the words she was planning to say to him. _

_Suddenly she realised. He was gone. And this is it._

_..._

April, stop writing!

She scolded herself but her pen won't stop. It was as if the words are coming to life all on their own.

…

_She ran out the door and yelled, "Jackson." _

_He stopped at the head of the stairs. _

_"I need to tell you this. Please, do this for me." She thanked god that most people are outside or down stairs, preparing for the ceremony. No one else was around the second floor. _

_He slowly walked back and she closed the door behind him._

_"What?" He seemed slightly irritated._

_"Jackson" she looked down. "I wanted to tell you that…" she stopped. _

_…_

Talk April, tell him. And move on. She clenched her teeth.

This is the last chance you'll ever get to clear things up. To finally cure yourself of this…infection.

_…_

_Her eyes fell on him, his perfect forms and the way his eyes held clear honest emotions. She missed him._

_"April!" Jackson's was suddenly concerned. "Why are you crying, silly?"_

_He was warm and caring when she found his arms around her, holding her, comforting her. _

_She couldn't help the eruption of tears that broke through all her defences. She shoved her face on his chest and sobbed. _

_Jackson didn't know what to do. His arms tighten around her shoulder. "April. It's your wedding. You shouldn't be crying…"_

_She looked up from his chest. Her eyes were clouded with something he didn't recognise. He leaned forward instinctively. And she reciprocated by raising on her toes._

_…_

Stop.

April! Stop.

Her eyes were stinging and warm tears sipped out of her eyelashes. She saw the drops plopped on her words, but her pen wouldn't stop.

…

_His lips almost touched her. She knew this is where she wanted to be. This is where she needed to be. Those were the eyes that should be looking at her like she's the only woman in the world._

_"…April! Are you almost ready?"_

_Both of them stilled. A look of fear covered Aprils face. The faint footstep from the other side of the door was coming nearer._

_"Almost ready." She yelled back. Jackson is back on the other side of the room._

_"We are all ready when you are." The voice chirped before leaving. _

_"The ceremony is about to start. I will be amongst the guests." He sounded stiff and awkward as he hurriedly left her room._

_She stood alone in her room dumbly. _

_It's time. _

_…_

Her eyes became blurry as she followed the words that almost wrote themselves using her own hands and her pen. The streaming tears left visible trails in her recently exfoliated and pampered cheeks.

She clutched her pen tight.

_…_

_It's white everywhere. White, pink and lavender. Baby blues and peach. She floated through the door to face the crowd staring back at her in admiration. _

_And him. At her 2 o'clock and looking as dashing as ever._

_No. Matthew can never hold the torch against him. Edwards stood next to him, she had no clue about what went on between them only minutes ago. _

_She tried to focus on Matthew, his honest smile, the admiration in his eyes and the love that was clearly there. It broke her heart. _

_She managed to arrive at the dais without tripping over or breaking a heel. Matthew took her hands in his and looked deep into her eyes._

_She smiled at him. She had no idea how well she could act. She had no idea how good she was at stopping her eyes from darting towards the pair of light grey ones on Jackson._

_"Do you, April Kepner, take Matthew Taylor…"_

_Question and answer time already. _

_Does she? Would she? For better, for worse? In sickness and in health? Until death… _

_Her resolved finally shattered and her eyes darted towards him. Jackson Avery._

_…_

Her pen stopped. No more. She can't write anymore. She threw the pen at the corner and shoved the chair back.

It's time. There will be no closure on this.

There is only one option left. It's time she stopped caring.

…

Jackson climbed the stairs few of them at a time. Speedily he knocked on April's door. They told her she's here. Everyone's waiting.

There is no answer, he turned the knob and opened the door.

She's not there.

He was about to close the door and leave when his eyes fell on that little study desk next to her closet.

Curiosity got the better of him. What could she be writing just before she was about to get married? And on a pink bound diary?

He slowly picked it up the pink bound material lying open on the table and the edge of which is still wet.

…

April breathed out slowly and practiced her serene smile in front of the bathroom mirror. She's confident that she can give the best performance of her life. Slowly she walked out the bathroom and approached the stairs.

All dolled up and ready to be married. To become, Mrs. Matthew Taylor.

No more April fucking Kepner, the annoying, neurotic, lonely trauma surgeon who pines after Jackson Avery like half of the girls in the hospital.

"April". Her mother gasped as she found her at the large door leading to the backyard. "Oh my baby!" She ran and locked her in a hug. "You're so beautiful. I'm so proud of you." She was at the verge of tears. Her father looked at her lovingly and offered his arm.

It's time to make everyone proud, April. She breathed in and took her father's arm.

The music changed and the door was pushed open.

Here we go.

…

Jackson ran down the stairs. His face is red and he was sweating.

_April_. He called for her in his head.

The door burst open and the bride and groom ran out of it. Jackson stopped on track.

April looked happy. Her arm was tangled up in Matthew's as they ran outside followed by a crowd of friends and families in different coloured dresses.

She never once turned to find him in the crowd.

Jacksons watched as the newly married couple jumped on the car that was ready and waiting for them. They promised to meet the guests at the reception before the car disappeared in the horizon. Jackson stood like a statue replaying the words April left half-written in her old bound journal only minutes ago.

The ending of which was something she couldn't put down in words. Because reality is always better than fiction.

For her at least.

Jackson turned to find his date and apologise for missing the while ceremony. Although he doubted the bride and groom ever really cared.

…

**Just finished watching the latest ep and had to write this before the actual wedding takes place. It was more like an impulse. **


End file.
